Darndest

“Kids say the darndest things.”

I totally uttermost agree.

But parents are not too bad at it either.

Here’s my uncensored list. Gathered during the passed two years.

(1) No. We do not shove cherries up our poo-holes.

(2) Well, go ahead with whatever you want to do. But I am not calling an ambulance when you’re hurt.

(3) No. Chocolate is not made out of poo. And not the other way round either.

(4) Don’t you dare, or I will take you by the ears and put you up next to the laundry.

(5) We look with our eyes. Not with our hands. 

(6) Ticks are not candy.

(7) If you don’t like the food, well then, just lay your head on the table untill you do.

(8) If you don’t eat your meat, you will not get any more broccoli.

(9) If you really wish to play with your peewee, please save it for bedtime. Not dinnertime.

(10) No, you can not have any more fruit. Eat some cookies instead. 

(11) Keep still or I am going to turn the train back home!

(12) If you don’t wear your seatbelt, the police will come and put you in prison.

(13) When you kiss a frog, you will get a tummy ache. No prince.

(14) No, little children can’t fly. Not even if you throw them off a really high building.

(15) Would you please stop reading!

(16) No, you are not a chicken. Nor a kitty, nor a dog either. Please start acting like a child. I’m begging you.

(17) If you guys really want to kill each other, do it outside. I just mopped the floor. 

(18) No, you will not grow a peewee when you are bigger. Cutting off your brother’s peewee won’t help either.

(19) Little girls don’t pee in the toilet while standing.

(20) Congratulations! You just cried for the 20th time today!

(21) Peeing in a glass won’t make the pee taste like lemonade.

(22) You can play outside untill it’s dark, or untill you two involve in a fight.

(23) Nobody likes a girl who always says “no”.

(24) Look me in the eye and tell me you haven’t tasted that snail!

(25) If you want to eat that chicken, you should kill it first.

(26) You are not allowed to jump in the stream when I’m not around because there ‘might’ be crocodiles in there.

(27) No, that’s not a piece of tomato. It’s just a piece of carrot pretending to be one.

(28) Even if you’re right saying bananas look like peewees, it still is not a good idea to put one in your pants. Especially not when unpeeled.

(29) That’s a church, not a castle. No-one really lives there. No princesses. No knights.

(30) We don’t go and murder people. That’s not a nice thing to do. 

(31) I don’t agree making a doll dress out of freshly torn out butterfly wings is a good idea.

(32) If you do that again, I swear I will stuff you behind the wall paper.

(33) Electrical cables are not meant for rope skipping. Specifically not when plugged in.

(34) Don’t you ever hit your sister with your violin again! Nor with the bow!

(35) Please allow the doctor to check your ears. He just wants to make sure the leprechauns inside your head are doing their jobs.

(36) I don’t know whether snails feel pain. I never asked one. So just to be sure, don’t fry them in the camp fire anymore, OK?

(37) If you want to turn the music on, try doing it with your hands. Not with mere thought. 

(38) I’m pretty confident cats don’t like to eat lego. 

(39) Pretending to be a frog does  not enable you to swim!

(40) I’m quite sure you have never been to London. And no, passed lives do not count.

Don’t judge me for all the unappropriate reprimands.

Trust that I won’t easily repeat most of the list.

Just laugh hysterically.

And then share your own.

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